Meditation Monday

Throughout my journey with anxiety I've researched, and leaned on a number of different tools. There's always the "Deep Breathing", that everyone recommends - especially when you are in the middle of a panic attack.  "Just try some deep breathing."  It's well intentioned, but doesn't really address the issue at hand, that when you're having a panic attack you experience a number of physical sensations, including shortness of breath.  Telling someone to take a deep breath when they can't get a regular breath in is like telling someone who can't is drowning to take swimming lessons.  Anyway, one thing (of many) that has been effective is meditation. I've decided to share some of my favorite meditations every Monday, because I love alliteration and I love sharing.

One of the biggest things to remember about meditation, especially for beginners, is that it's not about clearing your mind and being free of all thoughts, but rather letting the thoughts pass.  You think them but don't follow them.

This meditation and discussion about meditation from BexLife was one of the very first I found that focused specifically on anxiety.  I'm also a huge fan of her series of 4 Minute Meditations, because we ALL have four minutes!  I'm hoping to post back net week with a new meditation.

Monday

The start of the week is always a challenge for me.  I find, if I do something and keep doing it I tend to feel better.  For example, if I need to get out and run one errand, if I do that one without too much fear/anxiety, it motivates me to complete another and I tend to get a good momentum going.  Mondays, well that day is the start of pushing a rock up a hill for the week.  Today wasn't too bad, I got the kids ready easily enough.  It's really just dripping S off at school that is triggering because we have to go inside and it's a bit of a process to get her signed in and set up.  I did it though.  I have to keep reminding myself and rewarding myself mentally when I do accomplish things.  They might seem SO small or mundane to other people, to most people, but for me, they are huge and when I succeed at them, it's an indication that I'm going to be all right.

I've almost completely given up on ever feeling the way I did before the anxiety struck.  At least until I get into CBT again and really delve into the issues, I'm trying to appease myself with the fact that I am functioning better and I CAN function with this level of anxiety.  It's not fun, it's not easy, and I don't want to feel this way all the time, but at least I can feel again, at least I can function to some extent.

I'm feeling nervous about picking up B at the end of the day.  He's on a field trip and won't be home until 5. I have to take N & S and sign him out, go to the school to get him, and I'm terrified.  I can't figure out exactly why, it should be very straight forward and easy, but I am just a mess about it.  I'm going to go meditate now and try to talk myself through it when it's time.  Staying hopeful!

Here We Go

I should have been keeping a journal for the past year.  Chronicling my struggle with anxiety, my daily life, etc. So, I'm starting here, today.

Nothing too inspiring or important to write today, as I just wrote a bit elsewhere about my journey with anxiety and how it started.

Today is a Thursday.  I managed to get all of the kids to school easily, I even talked with S's teacher for quite a bit this morning, which is huge for me.  I'm trying to remain hopeful that the med increase will help and will work.  I just switched off of Paxil to Zoloft and upped the Zoloft this week. Fingers crossed.  My mom will come by later this morning and go with me to pick up S from school, so maybe that's why I feel a bit more relaxed.  Knowing I don't have to face that alone today...I'm not sure.

I have a therapy appointment for next Tuesday. The first one since January.  It's been a strange break due to his scheduling issues and my availability. But I'm determined to get there.  I'm thankful for meds, and I do hope they really work, but I KNOW that I have to do the hard work of digging into my mind and finding out the hows/whys this happened and how to try to fix it. I don't know that I'll ever be able to fix things, to put the vase back together without a visible crack is slightly improbable, but I'm hopeful.

I'm working on self care again too of course.  trying to exercise every day.  For a lot of reasons, but mainly my mental health and an attempt to lose the 22 pounds I gained while on Paxil.  Slow and steady.